Changes -In whatever way it be- *

So my mind changed opinion a bit

i’ll do it for you

just one thing kind of important

need a little help

If it’s to big of a request

then never mind

have a lot on my mind right now

would call it nervous catastrophic

Next week is the thing happening

and I’ll be gone for

maybe one or two weeks

depends on everything

May be shorter but if longer

then something went Avery

just to let it known

just in case

Anyhow made a little mark for this day

but just for you

do not do that kind of wishing

thing usually

So did make up my mind and

will enter into the unknown

taking the chance on it

and I do not care of the darkness

Am kind of used to it

so nothing new

except for one thing

the act itself

Am so sick of being in this state

of now ,of nothing

so it shall be done

but need you or someone

At least in the first moments

breaking the rule of all I believed in

some fear in what I’ll

become, will it still be me?

Just need to deal with next week first

and the healing hopefully

that things be okay

always the same before going under

My whole body freaking ache because of it

some fear, not of dying but other things

so have not been able to think straight lately

on my mind constantly

Save me from it afterwards please

me saying yes now

hope you understand

what I do mean by all this?

Anyhow with my whole being

forever yours

till the ends

of time.

Stefan 2024*

Long one and a bit distasteful*

So it makes me nervous a bit

one more week ,do not like those places

yet a must to be somewhat human

again

So am dealing with that in my mind right now

it is kind of bothering me

when it’s constant there

oh well one of those things

The things we have to do sometimes

sucks and yet at the same time

it can be the release

maybe make me a bit more at calm afterwards

Yet I hated the whole time going through this shit

downgrading and dehumanizing

but what the hell it’s life

but fuck it

Hope is though nothing new bad

as found something in the area

if it is, not going to have the power in me

to get passed it

Been to long already, such a fucking long time

never been so low as through this time

guess it is normal though

to feel that

And if it ever coming back and need to

do this again, no never, not a chance

i’ll fucking end it then

no more, never again

Sick of feeling sick, so fucking sick of it

yet I know that afterwards such a thing coming

it is like learning to walk again

from the pain of it

But maybe it be not as bad this time

the third time now

but freaking out if it be no good

if it’s not, I know what I do

My mind already made up

be somewhat human or not at all

so let us see then if it be good

or fucking living hell

I wish it upon no one, because it is pure hell

it takes any sense of you away

it take away all fears of death

as you shake death’s hand

Why this crap now, well because

it is bothering me

and it do not feel alright

making me kind of sad

I always worries to much and my nerves

is a catastrophic thing

been drinking a lot to calm myself

the fuck down

The line is this for May

the aftermath of things

either it be or not

and that hurts

Can’t see no other way

it fucked with my head

and then met with evil

do not help at all

But I’ll leave everything in May

everything not good for me

everyone not good for me

it will be shut down

Been through hell and back

so it means nothing, absolutely nothing

to me those games

and that cruelty

Just have it all, live with your hatred

my life if it be will go back to just that

one day after another

but can never again believe in the future

Heartless am I?

what the hell do you expect?

read it as I’ve seen it through time

oh yes I hate, I am angry, and I am not happy

Think I’m actually been very strong

but that is kind of vain in a way

as it is not what I care about

as she dead a long time ago

The only wound I do carry is she

who never could be there for me

after that -it’s been more or less only hell-

i’am cold you say? fuck yea i’am

This sickness though made a kind of line

of everything ,and in all this I found out about you

from another life ,and how the hell do you deal with that’?

among all this fuck up’s

See it is not in i’ll will or anything

i know it is nothing but pure love

but it’s hard for me to deal with

this kind of emotions

Like if I was not already fucked up enough

somehow I wish i had stayed away

twenty years went and it all seamed good

now it’s all just crap

Yes I wish things had been different

even perfect and beautiful

but life is cruel as a mother fucker

what can i do?

No will stop this now, becoming to hurtful

and don’t wish to darken your light or your day

please forgive me

it is all I can say.

Stefan 2024*

Ok ,more than I thought?

Morning to you my friend or foe

your night fine I’ll hope

welcome to another day

among them all my greetings

So none special darkness to show

kind of nothing to tell

following feelings usually

today numb and that is good

Just sitting here typing this shit

had a kind of understanding this night

so all in peace with it

so funny though ,I did not know

Reflection of evil and reflections on good

in one other soul whom kind of was a ghost

now with a face to know

a devil or a angel?

Mysterious somewhat though as the rots show through

another little temptation of evil

so you wish me somehow deep within

to be lead with that heart of yours

How marvelous but not sure I can feel anymore

reflection toward care or love

and same demon within screaming no

stay away or you’ll get hurt

A kind of reflection on my life

that love always hurts

so in such got a bit turned down

something like a off button

Plus I thought of shutting of the canvas

no more reflection from within

no more will it be known

my inner thoughts, those who hurt me

Have thought on bringing up something old again

that rested for so many years

to get strong again and not allow some things

to ever happen again

I feel it wanting out ,this screaming demon

it constantly a reminder

unleashed beast

a devil

Something in me still care though

to much still

preventing it to rule

yet tempting me

Maybe the point be in May then

two ways of it

either damn myself to ever hell

or till the end of all ends

As any option tasteful for me

no it is crap

no matter how it looked upon

some kind of madness

And then again in a mad world like this

it should be I suppose

nothing but normal

what a hateful word to me that one

So ha ha it became a little bit dark after all

but hell when coming from this poet

nothing strange at all

humbly bowing a little

If ever you wish to see and know it all

I offer you a little bite

just a little taste of me

perhaps I wish you to know

Wish you to make me not alone with it

need someone to hold it with me

to balance me somewhat

when it’s darkness take over me

Shadows it is all in the shadows

nothing more hidden

so by my blood

you’ll see

And maybe you then could do me a favor

in an painless way

if you find that it is the only peace

to this darkness

You always thought it to be desire

how presumptuous of you

maybe my wish always was the end

did you ever think of that?

But by all means try to if you wish

to bring some kind of taste

some kind of meaning

and I’ll grasp it with you

I feel no need for anything

never find myself in desire

toward things

as it all sand by time

Yet I always wanted a belief toward

some kind of more than this

something special

like unconditional love

Yet it is always so full of black holes

meaningless propaganda

of only lies

even though it tries to shine

Maybe innocent of me to believe

in anything else than this

forever darkness

haunting me.

Stefan 2024*

Everything and nothing*

Tainted in one track

now made

this is so stupid

so very stupid

Yet it still be in silence

and no matter if whole or not

it will be

the final act

Why not do it with a bang

a big fucking bang

let them hear it

what do I care

This night a little bit

better than yesterday

sleep not enough

echoes in my head

And all those fucking thoughts

on how

will figure it out

in pain or not

Now just breathing in a day going so fast by

as my mind only on it growing nearer

somewhere there within yes even you

but not sure anymore why

Just moving along the mist

peaking in and out

no hunger and no thirst

not anymore

This one in the image

of the black canvas

everything to be

and not to be.

Stefan 2024*

*Witness of darkness*

Was in the mind last night

and thought about it

still I have no clue

why

Sometimes some can so easily

be fooled by evil

kind of temptation

and then living in regrets

May seam like a good prize

until it rots

but nothing to say about it

stopped caring a long time ago

Still waiting always waiting

for something like light

yet pollution seam supreme

and I bare a black witness

And with no feeling to save

anyone anymore

it was a curse given

to be released

If none to a heart true

in self mind and truth

then nothing will keep it

from the fall

Still till the end my love for not

shall always be till it all ends

with the wrath of it’s own

pain

Safe in the darkness is just a lie

no wall so strong

to keep it out

by it’s hand of faith.

Stefan 2024*